Coming Of Age

Hello readers Jaime here, let’s talk about what it means to come of age as a queer Black man. Growing up I preferred people to admire me rather than be my friend. Other children and adults did admire me, but the cost was not allowing myself to form long-lasting relationships with most people. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, but things didn’t feel genuine, so I distanced myself. There was something missing, and I wasn’t in a place to find it just yet. I wanted a community of people who were truly like-minded. Just because I was a boy and more “masculine-minded” did not mean that was enough to build lasting bonds. Let’s face it—I was a boy who liked DILFs, fashion, and watching makeup videos. What did I really have in common with most boys other than running fast or playing games with guns in them?

People question you less and accept you more when they admire you. As a gay man, you often feel like you have to be likable. What did it matter if someone was truly your friend when they enjoyed being around you regardless? As a teen, I was satisfied as long as people saw me as an equal, but the goal was always to stand out. I figured my sexuality didn’t matter as long as I provided value. However, I was scared to go any further than the image I had created. A lot of gay boys are afraid of being shunned by their peers. In some cases, when the truth is unveiled, those relationships slowly fizzle out and die.

Dark Paths

During those moments when you’re coming into manhood, there’s a feeling that can only be described as a lack of self. That void, for many people, can be temporarily filled by a few things, including sex, drugs, parties, hobbies, careers, friendship, and love. The more desirable route would be companionship and finding a sense of self. The average gay man often starts with sex, typically very early and very frequently, and then learns from there. Straight parents of a queer child often aren’t equipped to talk about sex, especially not gay sex. Many times, the topic is glazed over or avoided entirely. That is where a lot of trauma begins. Without proper guidance, there are a multitude of dark paths a young man can go down.

It is no secret that gay men have a reputation for sexual deviance. With all the technology available today, you can have sex with someone in less than 10 minutes. However, where is the line between sexual liberation and sexual addiction? Hookup culture is very normalized in the gay community. It is often seen as prudish not to have at at least tried it. Many men want to “taste all the flavors of the rainbow” at some point in their lives. This also applies to straight men. After all, monogamy is declining, and polyamorous relationships are becoming increasingly common. Queer men don’t want to feel limited or tied down, especially if they were in the closet for a long time. Many men feel they need to explore in order to discover what they truly want, which can lead to an insatiable libido.

Conformity vs. Self-Expression

A gay man really has two options: to come out and alleviate that stress, or to hold it in, whether temporarily or forever. How he develops truly depends on his environment and the people he surrounds himself with. A lot of the time, gay men have to conform in some way. Often, that is for their own safety and quality of life. Some gay children were brave enough to come out in high school or even earlier, and they got the opportunity to explore freely. They were able to build lasting friendships because they were comfortable enough to do so. Though many of us did not have that experience. I, the author, did not. Even though that freedom felt tangible at times, and sometimes I wish I had embraced it, I limited myself out of fear of judgment. In a way, I conformed.

I never truly hid who I was, but I definitely lived by the phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell,” even when the answer was completely obvious. On the bright side, waiting to experience the gay lifestyle saved me from a lot of trauma in the long run. I don’t have horror stories about sleeping with older men while underage. I also don’t have many negative experiences with sex because I waited until I was mature enough to distinguish between danger and genuine intention.

DL Men

Those who choose to remain secretive, even to this day, are essentially living a lie. Whether it is because of religion, family values, or fear, many of them seek validation from their peers—typically straight peers. Many DL men would never openly entertain a friendship or relationship with another man, at least not publicly or to the knowledge of others, even though deep down they may desperately want to. Some boys joined gangs, while others joined fraternities. Many joined sports teams, and some even went to conversion therapy. Let’s be honest with ourselves: many men also went on to marry women and have children. Some eventually chose to live their truth years later. At some point, a gay man has to realize that we only get one life. Are you going to waste it?